Ansem in the Underworld
by Chrisse
Summary: What really happened to Ansem after his exposure to light? Well here's my guess.
1. Ansems Arrival

Ansem in the Underworld, Chapter 1  
  
Arrival of Ansem  
  
Ansem regained his vision and found himself lying on a beach with dark sand in what seemed to be a cave. In the corner of he eye he caught a tall figure with what seemed to be a torch on its shoulders moving towards him.  
  
He sjook his head and saw that it was not a torch that burned on the cretures head, but more what seemed to be his hair  
  
"Hi, Hades Lord of the Dead, how's it hanging" The creature, Hades said when he had reached Ansem.  
  
"Hades? Are you not one of those failures who worked for Malificent" Ansem asked while slowly getting on his feet.  
  
"Uuuh . y'know I don't really like to be called a failure because of the little "mistake" I made back then, and by the way you should treat me more respectfully as I'm your brand new n' shiny Master of Disaster"  
  
"What are you saying, are you my newest servant?"  
  
"Oh boy, another one of them with an overblown ego, as if it wasn't enogh with that Peter Pan guy who goes around and teases everybody because he is the only one who can fly"  
  
"Peter Pan? Am I in the world called Neverland then?"  
  
"No . you're in the Underworld"  
  
"I do not understand, Have the lights of Kingdom Hearts taken me to this far-off world?"  
  
"Oh gee-zuz, ok Ansem I try to say it in a nice way since this is SUPPOSED to be a little Disney . you've, erhm . like . run out of batteries"  
  
A girly scream rang through the endless caves of the Underworld.  
  
"Shut up, dammit Ansem, you're scaring the living daylights INTO the dead" A few seconds after Hades shouted this at ansem colorfull spirits emerged from within a cave and flew up thru what seemed to be the ceiling of the Underworld. "Great, there goes my promotion"  
  
"I cannot believe that I am dead"  
  
"Then look in a mirror, you're all blue n' ghosty. But I don't thnk we have any mirrors left after your little scream-O-rama"  
  
"But how . I was the perfect antagonist"  
  
"Yeah, that's what they all say"  
  
"True Hades, but only I do not lie, for I was once the Mightiests Genie of all times" Hades turned his attention to the skinny ghost-like figure who had just appeared and started laughing.  
  
"Oh gee-zuz, here he goes again"  
  
"My plan was perfect, I had all of Agrabah at my mercy ."  
  
Will Ansem and Hades survive Jafars long and boring retelling of Aladdin and Aladdin II? Can either of them actually die? How come Hades clothes never turn into ash when he burns? Will Icarus have a cameo in the next chapter? At least two of these questions will be answered in the next chapter, for this story is .  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	2. Satans Little Helper part I

Ansem in the Underworld Chapter 2  
  
Help Wanted AKA [Satan's little Helper pt. I]  
  
"Ok, Ansem my man, you'll be living here, wheter you like it or not" Hades said to the dark king and pointed at a building carved out of the rock wall.  
  
"Hotel De La Undérworld" Ansem read from the sign above the building  
  
"Cranky, I know. But people aren't very creative after they've died. They're more like crying and miserable"  
  
"Hades, you must understand I cannot stay here. Like any defeated stereotype supervillan I must avenge my defeat"  
  
"Yeah, that's what they all say on the first day here. But I'm sorry can't help ya"  
  
"What? but you made Jafar come back to life in the Hercules/Aladdin crossover"  
  
"Yeah plotholes, plotholes. But as a matter of fact that episode wasn't a part of the original Hercules continuity"  
  
"But you offered life to Hercules' mistress in the Hercules movie"  
  
"Hey, if you wanna keep your nice spot OUT of the river Styx, I suggest you start being a little less mr. Know-It-All"  
  
"Alright, but I insist on at least plotting revenge"  
  
"On the Keybearer?"  
  
"No, on Disney Interactive for letting me end up here. But the Keybearer sounds good too"  
  
"OK, but Ansem my man. I suggest you finds some lackeys if you wanna get a part in the sequel n' so. Look at me, I've got lackeys n' I'm happy "  
  
"But you have suffered miserable defeat in every single episode of the Hercules animated series"  
  
"SHUT UP"  
  
"But I will take your advice, and IMMEDIETLY start casting"  
  
5 hours later.  
  
Ansem sat on a chair in a small room and on an identical chair right across the room sad the hunter Clayton.  
  
"So . Clayton, why do you think you're capable of being my loyal helper"  
  
"Helper? . but the sign outside said "Tickets for Star Wars episode III"" Clayton replied.  
  
Ansem pushed a button on a remote and a hole in the floor below Caytons chair opened and after a few seconds fall Clayton landed in the river Styx.  
  
"Maybe we ought to change that sign Hades" Ansem said to the Lord of the Dead who was located in the shadows behind him.  
  
"Nah, some of the worlds most evil people are Star Wars fans" The God replied.  
  
"Are you sure you're not thinking of football supporters?"  
  
".Ooops. But HEY whats the difference"  
  
"Nevermind, we'll continue tomorrow"  
  
"Y'know Ansem, there isn't really any Day or Night in the Underworld"  
  
"I said TOMMOROW" 


	3. Satans Little Helper part II

Ansem in the Underworld Chapter 3  
  
E.M.W. Evil Minions Wanted [AKA Satans Little Helper pt. II]  
  
"So. ehm let's start with your name" Ansem said to the lady who said on the chair right across the room.  
  
"The Evil Queen" The lady replied.  
  
"The Evil Queen, what kind of hippies would call their daughter that" Hades who emerged from the shadows behind Ansems chair Asked.  
  
"I wasn't named by hippies but by Disney" the Queen yelled at the Lord of the Dead.  
  
"Gee-zuz they were really creative back then huh?"  
  
"Hades why are you still here? Do you not have duty as God of the Underworld?" Ansem asked the God  
  
"Well y'know Ansem. Dead people take care of screaming in horror and mourning over their sorry asses themselves. SO I might just get some entertainment"  
  
"Could we get back to me?" The Evil Queen asked.  
  
"Oh yes, what makes you think your are qualified to be my minion?"  
  
"Well . I once tried to kill the only rival to my beauty with a poisoned apple"  
  
"Oh . La-Dee-Dah, I almost managed to take over the Cosmos and this guy managed to destroy serverval worlds. You just a damn narcicist for cryin' out loud"  
  
"Ansem, would you stop bothering ." Ansem shortly snickered ".the Evil Queen"  
  
"I can't help it Ansem. She's a pain in my divine ass"  
  
"Good, that's one more reason to get her on my team of minions. You're hired" Ansem shortly snickered again "Evil Queen. Proceed to the room beside this" Ansem pointed at a door which the Evil Queen used to exit.  
  
"Next" Hades yelled. And from the other side of another door in the room came a tall an dark figure.  
  
"Oh, crap" Hades said.  
  
"Hello Hades.Ansem" Jafar said "I actually came here to seek the position of evil minion, but first I would like to tell you a story about how I almost conquered Agrabah"  
  
"Crap. Whaddaya waiting for Ansem. Activate that damn hole in the floor"  
  
"At once" Ansem said and reached out for the remote, who was located on a table a beside his chair. But the closer his hand got to the remote the more it slowed down.  
  
"But he is so . boring" Was all Ansem had the time to say before his eyelids closed and he started snoring.  
  
".but then this annoying and pesky little street rat Alddin came by ." Jafar said as he dramatized his tale with wild gestures.  
  
"I'm outta here" Hades said to himself.  
  
"Wait . we'll continue tommorow" Ansem said half awake, half not awake.  
  
".and I became the mightiest genie in the Universe."  
  
"Do I have to bring up the no day/night issue again?"  
  
"TOMORROW" Ansem yelled in his bizzare state. 


	4. Satans Little Helper part III

Ansem in the Underworld Chapter 4  
  
Char-Yzmatic [AKA Satan's Little Helper pt. III]  
  
Ansem looked at the person sitting chair right across the room. He then immedietly closed his eyes as he feared he would vomit if he saw more, then again he wasn't sure if dead people could actually vomit.  
  
"That's not like ANY of the Anime-like girls back at the Hollow Bastion" He whispered to the God of the Underworld who was standing next to his chair.  
  
"Yeah, well it not much new to me I see worse things every day"  
  
"Are you talking of the deceased ones?"  
  
"No way, I'm talking of the "babes" in my cartoon"  
  
"Excuse me, how long do you plan to keep me waiting here?" The lady in the other chair asked the two dark figures, or more correctly the dark figure and the blue figure.  
  
"Oh I'm sorry. All right, let us begin. Why are you here . Yzma, you were not even killed in the movie in which you starred as an antagonist"  
  
"Oh but I did die. Those damn assholes at Disney just didn't show it"  
  
"How did you die then?"  
  
"I accidently drank rat poison instead of juice"  
  
"Whoah, what an honorable death" Hades said sarcasticly.  
  
"Why do you have to interfere all the time?" Ansem asked the Dark God.  
  
"Cause noones got plans of making a new season of Hercules" Hades answered.  
  
"Well then . Yzma. What do you think you can offer my team of minions"  
  
"She's proraboly gonna scare everbody away with her horribole visage"  
  
"HADES, BE QUIET" Ansem almost spat in the face of the Lord of the Dead  
  
"No, Ansem. He's actually right" Yzma said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"After seeing my movie I realized how hideous I was, and thought of ways to use it to my advantage"  
  
" Holy mother of Shiva" Hades said and scracthed in his flaming blue hair.  
  
"Erhm well . you're hired. Proceed to the room beside this."  
  
"Hey, what do I get in weekly salary" Yzma asked the scientist.  
  
"Weekly salaray?" Ansem looked puzzled. "Is the joy of being powered by Darkness not enough? You also get to laugh maniacally"  
  
"Gee-zuz you're more nuts than that Jafar guy" Yzma said and opened the door to the next room. "Hey there's a dead queen in here"  
  
"Yzma this is Tartaros, the Underworld, all inhabitants are either dead, gods or lawyers" Hades said.  
  
"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting" Yzma said and walked in the door.  
  
"Maybe we should not have let the Evil Queen wait for that long?"  
  
"What do we care? NEXT" Hades said/yelled. In came a man the two dark lords knew, it was the hunter John Clayton.  
  
"You again? What's it this time?" Hades asked.  
  
"I came back to avenge me on you for humiliating me" Clayton answered.  
  
"Vengeance, that is almost as good as revenge which almost the same as getting even with those who humiliated you in the past. You're hired Clayton"  
  
"Great, do I get my Star Wars Episode III tickets then?"  
  
"No but you get to laugh maniacally and rant about darkness to the good guys" Hades said  
  
"Works for me" Clayton said.  
  
" I think we've recruited enough minions for today. We will continue tommorow"  
  
"It's not like you really work that much each "day" you only interview two pontential minions every "day""  
  
"I said TOMMOROW" 


	5. Satans Little Helper part IV

Ansem in the Underworld Chapter 5  
  
I am not Em-pressed [aka Satan's Little helper pt IV]  
  
"So. ehm. Your name is Evil Emperror Zurg, you say?"  
  
"Yup" The enemy number one of the galaxy said  
  
"Is that your birth name or just an alias?"  
  
"What do you mean"  
  
"Like . Billy Zanes birth nam was William George Zane Jr."  
  
"Boy, I almost feel sorry for him" Hades said from his usual spot next to Ansems chair.  
  
"Feel sorry for me, I am the on who is stuck with his voice acting"  
  
"As an answer for your question, yes it is my birth name. But please don't laugh at me, it's not my fault. It all because of my parents, damn satanists"  
  
"Ah well, we've got a lady named the Evil Queen in the next room so you're no big buzz"  
  
"Buzz, who said that, where is he, curse you Buzz Lightyear"  
  
"Seeing as how much you seem to hate this Buzz Lightyear, I assume that he was the cause of your death"  
  
"No actually not"  
  
"Then how the did ya get unplugged" Hades asked, though he didn't seem interested."  
  
"Well. I was on an expedition on a far-off planet, where I accidently slipped in a banana. I feel backwards a dropped down in a pit of coffe, I ran away to dry off the coffee, but actually ran into a canyon inhabithed by man-eater plants. I was so scared that I jumped aboard a space ship a fled the planet. The ship (a Space Voyager 5000-YX5KKV by the way) crash- landed on an alien planet who was inhabited by little red and/or crimson people. Those people offered me a ride away but."  
  
"Forget that I aksed" The Lord of the Underworld interrupted the Emperror.  
  
"What do you think you can offer me and my team of minions?" Ansem asked.  
  
"Years of experience in advanced technology and Galactica Chocolate Candybars"  
  
"Advanced technology will not help us, but we could need the Candybars. Consider yourself in. Proceed to the next room" Ansem said it and Zurg did it.  
  
"NEXT" Hades yelled, and both he and Ansem watched with wide open eyes as the door crept open and a figure in black/white entered the room.  
  
"Gee-zuz, holy mother of Shiva, Mother of Jesus, Jesus of Nazareth, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ Motherf. nah I better not finish that" Hades said in fear.  
  
"It cannot be you, begone Devil, do not haunt my soul" Ansem said before he crept down under his chair, which may have been good as he had been sitting in it four like four chapters.  
  
"It is really you is it not? And here I was hoping that you had left the Underworld." Hades said as also he slowly crept into safety below furniture.  
  
"Amazing, simply aamazing that I would get to see Him.if it is Him"  
  
"Oh, you bite my ass if it ain't Him . The Poisoner of Children's Minds. The Cause of hyper-morale as we know it today.The Enemy of Creative Storytelling # 1.It's Him allright. The feared one.the foul one . the f.erh. screwed up one. And in case you haven't figured out it's him . Walt Disney Himself"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED ... SOMEDAY 


	6. Satans Little Helper part V

Ansem in the Underworld Chapter 6  
  
Damned by Disney [aka Satan's Little Helper pt. V]  
  
"Yes it I, Walt Disney. I have come here to end this story, because it focuses on villans, and therfore it is not good for the American Morale"  
  
"Oh buchanan, here he starts with his Morale-bull again" Hades whispered to the one with whom he shared his safe spot beneath the chair.  
  
"Minions, aid me, quickly" Ansem almost screamed at the door behind which his four newly recruited minions were situated. And all four immedietly bursted out the door.  
  
"Oh Sweet Sano, It's Walt Disney" Three of them said and immedietly tried to squeeze in under the other chair in the room.  
  
"You, you little son of a bitch" The last standing of the four, the Evil Queen said. "You're the cause that I've been marked an outsider, you're the cause that my life has been a living Hell, you're truly my ultimate nemesis.want an apple?" She asked Disney and showed him a shining red apple.  
  
"Yes, please, but mind the baddie-words" Walt Disney said and took the apple, yet he paused when he was just about to take a bite of it "Hey, wait a minute, this seems awfully familiar"  
  
"Damn" The Evil Queen cursed.  
  
"Yeah, now I remember, I ain't gonna take no bite of this apple" Walt said and threw the apple out the only window in the gloomy room, a slight plop wa heard as it landed in the river Styx.  
  
"Freaking Sora" Ansem cursed.  
  
"Damn it, we're lost, there's no telling what he's gonna do to us now, what we need is miracle" Hades paused for a few seconds "A MIRACLE" He then yelled.  
  
"Forget it, it is not going to work, we are at the mercy of the most insane man ever to pollute the surface of a planet." Ansem said.  
  
"Hey, who threw this apple at me, it almost hit me" For the first time, Ansem was glad to see the tall and dark vizier of Agrabah bust in unexpected.  
  
"I must plead myself guilty as charged" Walt Disney said and smiled a little.  
  
"I don't remember seeing you here before.But that's just good, you can hear my story now.I was once a the mightiest genie in the universe."  
  
"Run for it" Hades yelled and everbody followed him out the exit door.  
  
HOURS LATER .  
  
"Jafar has been goin' on for hours, and hat Disney-guy is still awake. How much more can he take" Zurg said as he scouted at the building carved from the rocks.  
  
"I don't know what he can take, but I know what we're gonna take. We're gonna take Him down" Hades said and punched his left fist into his right palm.  
  
"You've gotta keep away from puns. But I agree, this Disney guy could be a major threat to our organization" Zurg said.  
  
"I think what I am in need for is a fith henchman" Ansem said.  
  
"What the Hell makes you think that?" Hades aksed the dark king.  
  
"I said A FITH HENCHMAN" Ansem yelled at the Dark God."And maybe this time wet ought to hear who the people at Ansemreport.com's messageboards want to be my henchnman.  
  
"Works for me" Hades said and walked a few feet away. "I'm surrounded by morons" He then whispered to himself.  
  
"We will continue someday" Ansem said to his henchmen/women.  
  
"What? Why not now?"Hades aksed the former dark ruler  
  
"I said SOMEDAY" Ansem yelled 


	7. Satans Little Helper part VI

Ansem in the Underworld Chapter 7  
  
A Letter From My Old Woman [aka Satan's Little Helper pt. VI]  
  
Ansem sat down an looked through the letters he had received today. (Yes I know there's no day or night in the Underworld, don't have a cow 'bout it)  
  
"Bills, bills, Viagara Sample, bills,letter from LadyApocalymon wanting to be my minion....No damn way...bills...A letter from my mother? " Ansem opened the envelope and pulled out the letter."Dear little Ansem. If you've checked your calendar for today you will know that it is now time to prepare your arranged wedding which we planned 25 years ago....Theres no such thing in my calendar."  
  
To confirm his statement Ansem fetched his calendar and looked under the current date. "Preapare wedding arranged 25 years ago...damn you mother, for always writing my calendars."  
  
"Oh so you're not gay!" Ansem turned around to see the Lord of the Underworld stand right next to him . yet again.  
  
"What?" Ansem aksed.  
  
"Well you're in that age . and you're not married. The only logical explanation I could think of was that you're gay. But you were just waiting for your wedding all this time"  
  
"Shut up, and shouldn't you be out looking for a fifth henchman"  
  
"You just told me to shut up so how am I s'posed to answer?"  
  
"I have had enough of your wise-crcking and respectless personality, make yourself usefull and out and watch what Walt Disney is doing." Ansem said.  
  
"Okay, Master Grunch" Hades said and disappeared.  
  
"Now what to do with this . I can't marry my soon-to-be spouse . I have not seen her in all my life. Yet due to our noble family traditions I cannot quit now... I would live in digrace for the rest of my life." Ansem paused and smiled "Of course, I am dead, therefore I cannot marry anyone who is alive. Damn, I am brilliant"  
  
"Yeah...that's what you think. Noone knows you're dead meat. They just think you're hiding till the release of Kingdom Hearts II"  
  
"Hades...Did I not tell you to watch over Walt Disney?"  
  
"Gee-zuz, how can someone be so naive as you?" Hades answered.  
  
"How much I hate to admit it, you're right Hades. Can you not send me back to the Hollow Bastion so that I can convince my family that I have left the mortal plane?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Zap me back to my castle so that I can tell people I am dead, capiche?"  
  
"Comin' right up.as long as you can end one chapter without sayin' TOMORROW"  
  
"I will do that . TOMORROW" 


	8. Homecoming

Ansem in the Underworld, Chapter 8  
  
Homecoming  
  
Ansem looked at his old stronghold with horror in his face.  
  
"You used to live there?" the Lord of the Dead asked the scientist. "I suppress a mocking laughter."  
  
The Hollow Bastion was not the proud and wretched castle which the Dark Ruler had once inhabited. The castle was repainted in a bright pink colour and a scent of perfume hang in the air like a strangling cloud of synthetics liquids.  
  
"It seems that my mother has moved in again." Ansem stated.  
  
"Well..duh, or else those princesses Malificent kidnapped stayed here and prepared the castle for a Disney Princesses Conference."  
  
"I know my mother this is her doing. No doubt."  
  
"I think this shows us how important it is that you MOVE AWAY from your old ones."  
  
"I must right this wrong, follow me Hades."  
  
AT THE CASTLE GATE  
  
The Dark Lord and the Dark Scientist stood before a man dressed in a penguin-suit.  
  
"Hades may I introduce you to my family's noble and mute butler: Ingmar"  
  
"Hello Ingmar, got anything to say?" Hades giggled.  
  
"Hades, be quiet."  
  
"Why? I don't hear Ingmar objecting, haha."  
  
Ingmar stood still as a statue.  
  
"Hades."  
  
"Why would you hire a mute butler. He can't say all those funny butler stuff. Like: Dinner is served."  
  
Ingmar still stood still.  
  
"Hades, you should know that..."  
  
"What was that Ingmar? Speak up I can't hear you."  
  
"...Ingmar is very skilled in Aikido."  
  
"What the Hell is Aikido?"  
  
Before he knew it, Hades was lying with his face in the tiles, and his arm twisted around on his back.  
  
"Get him offa me, get him offa me..." Hades cried.  
  
"You have to say the magic word to make him let go."  
  
"What magic word? Alakazam?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Shazam?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Sesame open up?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh I know: Magic Word."  
  
"No. It's: Please."  
  
"What the Hell is that, Danish?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Swedish?"  
  
"No."  
  
"German?"  
  
"No, No, No. Just say it."  
  
"Okay...please."  
  
Ingmar let go of the Lord of the Underworld, and retook his gargoyle-like position beside the castle gates. Hades rose and rubbed the joints in his right arm, while he walked through the gates, following Ansem.  
  
While passing Ingmar however, he seemed to be unable to suppress rising of his middle finger on his left hand, in return he was greeted by that stuff that comes from inside of a fire extinguisher.  
  
"Come on, Hades ... we have to hurry, we can't wait UNTIL TOMORROW" 


	9. O Mother Where Art Thou?

Ansem in the Underworld, Chapter 9:  
  
O Mother where art thou (Too close it would seem.)  
  
Ansem and Hades entered the Castle Chapel, which did not look anything the like the dark and gloomy room where Heartless had roamed freely, which was what it was some time ago, before Ansems Mother decided to move in, it would seem.  
  
The chapel was apparently chosen to be where the actual wedding would take place, everything was decorated in white colours, and benches were sat up on each side of a carpet leading to an altar. Ansem could not believe his own dead eyes.  
  
"I cannot believe my own dead eyes." he said.  
  
"Well I can't believe that we choose to go all the way up here as the first thing, that elevator system is a real pain in the ass. I'm gonna let the guy who designed that die and go to... well maybe not on second thought." Said Hades.  
  
"Ansem, there you are honey." It came from across the room.  
  
Ansem turned his head in horror, Hades turned his in curiosity, both stared at an elderly lady, who had once been quite beautiful. That was none other than Ansems Mother. Behind her stood a girl, no older than eightteen, yet with more than twenty pimples in her face, chewing on a gum, and looking at them with lazy eyes through dyed hair.  
  
"And who is that, you should have told me you were bringing guests, we would have bought a bigger wedding cake." she said.  
  
"Is that your wife-to-be?" Hades asked and pointed at the teenage girl.  
  
"Retard." the girl replied.  
  
Ansems Mother laughed, not a mocking laughter, but a giggling and cheerful one.  
  
"Oh no, mister. This is Ansems little sister, Cindy." she stated.  
  
"Retard." Cindy said.  
  
"Mother I have come here for one sole reason: I have to tell you that..." Ansem begun.  
  
"Oh but, Ansem, sweetie, you look so pale, are you feeling all right?" the Mother asked  
  
"Mother, I'm dead."  
  
"Don't be silly honey; all you need is a nice bowl of your mothers Good Ole Chicken Soup."  
  
Hades was clearly suppressing laughter. "Mother I will not just stand here and let you humiliate me in front of my friend........."Ansem began.  
  
"What?" Hades asked in denial.  
  
"All Right... my associate. The only reason I came here was to tell you that I'm dead and therefore I cannot participate in my wedding in any way whatsoever."  
  
"Nonsense, honey." She looked at Hades, "He's been playing that he is a Great Dark Lord lately."  
  
Hades could hardly withstand the pressure on his divine guts anymore.  
  
"No...he's a f......... retard." Cindy stated.  
  
"Mother, Please..."  
  
"Yes yes honey, I know you are all hazy because you are finally wedding your only one."  
  
"Mother if you would just..."  
  
"Easy now, I know you are worried that your room is all messed up from when you left this place. But I had Ingmar clean it up and redecorate it a little. It's right where you remember it. Just go ahead hun."  
  
Ansem's Mother pushed her son into a hallway, and he slowly started walking with Hades right behind him and a bowed neck.  
  
"You sure told her..." Hades said mockingly.  
  
"I will tell her ... TOMORROW." 


End file.
